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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29351919">What He Lost and What He Gained</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alondere/pseuds/Alondere'>Alondere</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Back Together, He was so stupid, Hurt/Comfort, Imma make it better, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Rekindled love, Remus Lupin Lives, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Being an Idiot, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin Live, We will assume they live forever after this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 14:06:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,679</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29351919</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alondere/pseuds/Alondere</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an AU where Sirius goes to Remus, first.  It’s angsty.</p><p> </p><p> I just want to watch the world burn (I got the gasoline)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus dropped his tea.  He was staring at the front of the paper, the waxy and thin face laughing maniacally.  The handsome face he used to love so much.</p><p> The face that had been hidden in countless tear stained albums under his floorboards.</p><p> <em>His</em> face.</p><p> He felt tears reach his eyes.  He thought he’d numbed out this feeling a long time ago.  He covered his face in his hand and gasped.  Harry.</p><p> <em>Harry.</em></p><p> Remus covered his mouth with his hand and squeezed his eyes shut.  He couldn’t— no.</p><p> Remus collapsed in his chair and let a noise escape his throat.  Why would <em>he</em> choose now?  Remus closed his eyes and let the tears roll down his face as a billion years of betrayal and hurt, of grief and despair, of anger and depression, came crashing back on him.</p><p> He tried to shakily get up, but he couldn’t manage the will.  He had to get up eventually, he had to clean up his tea.  He got up and went to the front door.  He needed a drink, his pantry was empty again.  He needed to go to the pub down the road.</p><p> He opened the door and jumped back.  There <em>he</em> was.  About to knock.</p><p> They both stared at each other for a moment.</p><p> Remus launched himself at <em>him</em>.  “HOW <em>DARE</em> YOU!?”</p><p> Remus didn’t even expect it, neither did <em>he</em>.  His fist connected with <em>his</em> and he pulled it back again.  Before he could punch <em>him</em>, <em>he</em> caught his fist.</p><p> Remus kicked <em>him</em>.  He tried to get his fist from <em>his</em> as <em>he</em> knelt over.  “WHY!? WHY, WHY, WHY!?”</p><p> He was crying.  He couldn’t help it.  After all this time, he couldn’t handle it.  He’d developed a drinking problem, he didn’t consider it a problem, though.  It numbed the pain, the crushing hole in his chest where four people should have been.</p><p> Three people who were gone, one, the biggest hole, that was practically dead.  The biggest hole that didn’t love him, the biggest hole that pretended for <em>ten</em> years.  The hole that was kneeling in front of him.  The hole that he trusted more than anything.</p><p> <em>He</em> looked up and sighed.  <em>His</em> hollowed chest was heaving up and down.  <em>He</em> got up.  <em>He</em> towered over Remus, <em>he</em> got out his wand.</p><p> <em>He</em> must have stolen it back.</p><p> <em>He</em> pointed it at Remus.  “Please, just listen,” <em>he</em> rasped.</p><p> Remus fell to the ground, drained.  He didn’t want to do this anymore, this wasn’t the first time since it happened that he’d fought for his life.  “Kill me.  Do it, do what you want with me, just don’t go for Harry.”</p><p> He knew it was fruitless, but how could he not try?</p><p> He looked up at <em>him</em>, a lump in his throat.  He knew he looked pathetic, he knew that both he and Harry were done.  <em>He</em> was too skilled and was always good at getting what <em>he</em> wanted.  Remus failed.</p><p> He took in a loud and shaky breath as <em>he</em> stared down his nose at him, a strange look in his eyes.</p><p> <em>He</em> hadn’t uttered more than four words.  He may as well get what he could out, now.</p><p> “I can’t keep living anymore, anyway.  I failed, didn’t I?  It’s only fitting, I go in the most painful way possible.  I failed James and Lily, I failed Harry.  Dumbledore wouldn’t let me take him in, but even if I could, I’ll admit I wouldn’t have.  I wouldn’t have been able to give him a good life, something worth living for.  I can barely take care of myself, what you did, remember how you didn’t like me drinking much?  Before the war, during the war, you’d make sure I didn’t get drunk if you had plans for us.  I was rarely allowed to get drunk even if you didn’t, only if I drank away from you.  It felt like I was getting you back.  The first time I did, I was scared you’d somehow find me in the bar, as improbable as I thought it was.  But I kept going back, coming home wasted.  Sometimes with a man, you were always possessive, weren’t you?  Are you still, maybe just a little?  I could numb it through sex, don’t you remember?  I’m not yours anymore, so why not?  I couldn’t take Harry in, I was a mess, I was poor, couldn’t hold a job.  I knew he’d have to have someone with a stable income as his caretaker.  I couldn’t be that.  Have you come to find him?  I don’t have him.  He’s somewhere far from here, somewhere you can’t find him.  Have I told you yet?  I may as well, if you’re going to kill me.  I hate you.”</p><p> Remus’ voice was laced with sincerity, making sure he knew before <em>he</em> killed him.  </p><p> <em>He</em> regarded Remus carefully.</p><p> “<em>Stupefy</em>.”</p><p> That was all Remus knew before his world went blissfully and blessedly black.</p><p>—</p><p> Remus woke up tied to his bed.  He started fighting as everything came crashing down.  <em>He</em> walked in, some toast between his teeth.  Remus’ eyes were tearing up again.</p><p> “Hey, Moony.”</p><p> <em>He</em> sounded no different than before it happened.  It may as well be before the war and Remus may as well be getting aftercare from <em>him</em>.</p><p> He crawled on top of Remus and touched his face.  “Please don’t cry,” <em>he</em> whispered.</p><p> Remus turned his head away, he was completely sober for the first time in almost twelve years.  He couldn’t help it.</p><p> “I cleaned up your tea.  You spilled it when you saw my face, didn’t you?  It was more tequila than tea, Moony.”</p><p> Remus pulled his wrists forward.  He closed his eyes.</p><p> “No, Moony.  You remember how well I tie you up.  It hasn’t changed, I remember every knot I learned before, still.”</p><p> Remus’ face crumbled, he hadn’t cried in ten years.  He spent those first two years either curled up on his bed or drinking his tears away.</p><p> “Why are you keeping me alive?”</p><p> <em>He</em> leaned back.  “Moony, can you please listen to me?”</p><p> “Don’t call me that, you’ve lost that right.”</p><p> <em>He</em> gave Remus a strange look.  Remus stared defiantly back, knowing he would die soon.</p><p> “Remus, it was Peter.”</p><p> Remus blinked up at <em>him</em> and started to thrash from side to side.  How dare he!?  “HOW— WHY— YOU KILLED HIM!”</p><p> <em>He</em> shook <em>his</em> head.  “No, I tried!  I swear, Ja—“</p><p> “<em>DONT SAY THEIR NAMES!</em>”</p><p> <em>He</em> stared at Remus.  “Why not?”</p><p> Remus shook his head, tears pouring down his face.  “Don’t say their names, please.”</p><p> “Remus, you need to stop hiding.  You can’t avoid something that was there, that happened, I’d know.  I did it for about a year after.  Stop hiding.”</p><p> Remus shook his head, not missing the irony.  “I’m not.”</p><p> “Yes, you are.  You need to know, though, you, of all people.  You and Harry.  Remus, he faked it all!”</p><p> Remus tried to move again.  “No.  No, no, it was you!”</p><p> <em>He</em> grabbed Remus’ face.  “Look!  Look!”</p><p> <em>He</em> let go of Remus’ face and pulled a small vial of clear liquid out.  Remus recognized it.</p><p> “How do I know it’s not water?”</p><p> “You’re going to have some, too.  You need it.”</p><p> Remus knew what would <em>he</em> would ask, and tried to turn his head away.  <em>He</em> grabbed his face and squeezed his cheeks, opening his mouth.  <em>He</em> poured as little as <em>he</em> could into Remus’ mouth and covered his mouth.</p><p> “Swallow.”</p><p> Remus shook his head, sobbing.  He didn’t want to answer the questions.</p><p> “Don’t you want to know the truth!?”</p><p> Remus shook his head again.  <em>He</em> sighed shakily.  “Please, Remus.  If you ever loved me at all, if you ever cared about any of the—“</p><p> Remus screamed behind <em>his</em> hand as if he were put under the Cruciatus Curse.  <em>He</em> sighed.  “Please.”</p><p> Remus looked up at him, still crying, and swallowed.  “What was your nickname in school,” <em>he</em> asked as he took his hand away.</p><p> “Moony,” Remus whispered, “Okay, it’s done.  It’s real, don’t ask me anything else, please.”</p><p> <em>He</em> stared down at Remus.  “You need to say it.”</p><p> Remus shook his head.  “Please.”</p><p> <em>He</em> sighed and took a small sip.  “We changed Secret Keepers.  Peter was the Secret Keeper, Remus.  He was the traitor.  I’m so sorry.  He-he blew up the street and he killed all of those Muggles!  I didn’t expect it, I’m so sorry,” he collapsed on Remus and cried.</p><p> They stayed like that for ten minutes before Remus spoke.</p><p> “Let me go, please.  I’m sorry, too.  There was no other option other than to believe Dumbledore, I asked him, begged him, for the year... after... to ask you, to do this, anything!  I’m sorry.”</p><p> He looked up at Remus, eyes red.  “Say my name.”</p><p> Remus shook his head, he was still crying.  “No.”</p><p> “I’ll let you go when you say my name, just mine, Re.”</p><p> Remus couldn’t.  He couldn’t.  He’d gone years without saying it.</p><p> “Please.”</p><p> He leaned over Remus.  “You remember me?  Remember us?  You remember how good we were together?  Come on, Moony, you can say it,” he whispered.</p><p> Remus tried to curl up in a ball, but didn’t succeed, of course.  He shook his head again.  “No.  No, no!”</p><p> He leaned so close to Remus.  “Please, Remus.”</p><p> Remus was panting, black spots in his vision.  He didn’t realize that he was having a panic attack.  He got off of Remus.</p><p> He started untying Remus and let him go.  Remus fell from his bed, gasping.</p><p> “Remus, can I touch you?”</p><p> “No!  No, no, I—I can’t!”</p><p> Remus panicked, dove under his bed.  He knelt on the side of it, looking at him with piercing stormy eyes.</p><p> “I understand.  May I go get you water?”</p><p> Remus shook his head staring at him.  “Please, don’t leave me again.”</p><p> He closed his eyes, clearly guilty.  “You need water, Remus.”</p><p> Remus knew it was true, but he was fine.  “I’ve been living on nothing but vodka, tequila, whiskey, and brandy for the past twelve years.”</p><p> “And you’re deathly thin, I’m lucky I found you alive.”</p><p> Remus closed his eyes again.  “I want to stay here.”</p><p> He sighed and picked himself up, looking around the room, it seemed.  “Jesus, Remus, there’s shot glasses and whiskey glasses everywhere!”</p><p> He grabbed one and cleaned it with a wave of his wand.  He added water to it and passed it under the bed to Remus.  “There.”</p><p> Remus downed it like a regular shot.  Remus noticed that he looked away.</p><p> “Can you please get out from under the bed?”</p><p> Remus nodded and shuffled back.  He got out on the other side.  “Happy?”</p><p> “No, Remus, I’m furious.  But I’m willing to set it aside for now.  But first thing’s first, I’m still me, you’re still you, right?”</p><p> Remus nodded, not knowing what he was getting at.  “Then, we can’t dance around each other, say what’s on your mind, I’ll say what’s on mine.  Unless it’s harmful, like, I know we can’t just pick up where we left off, okay?”</p><p> Remus nodded, even though he wished they could.  He needed to get over the years of hate, the years and years of betrayal, drinking his feelings away.</p><p> “Where’s your stash?”</p><p> Remus looked away.  He could never look him in the face and lie.  “I was going out to get more.”</p><p> “Don’t give me that, Remus.  We both know you have backup for when you run out of money.”</p><p> Remus sighed and looked around for a change of subject.  He wasn’t ready to let go of his escape, not yet.</p><p> “We need to get you to Hogwarts, Dumbledore, anywhere, we need to get you cleared, now.”</p><p> He blinked.  Remus glared at him, so he followed.</p><p> “Lead the way.”</p><p> Remus went to his fireplace and got the Floo Powder.  He took a pinch, stepped in, and shouted, “Dumbledore’s office, Hogwarts!”</p><p> Remus spun, he knew he followed.  “Dumbledore!”</p><p> Dumbledore was, thankfully, alone.  “Please, before you do anything, Merlin, please hear us out!”</p><p> Dumbledore turned around and saw them both tumble out of the fireplace.  He made eye contact with him.  He sighed.  “You have an hour before the Minister visits.”</p><p> Remus held up his hand.  “We need Veritaserum made by Snape.”</p><p> He shot a glare at Remus, but stayed silent.  He needed it.</p><p> “Yes, that sounds like the best course of action, given the circumstances.”</p><p>—</p><p> “You’re amazing, you know that?”</p><p> It was three weeks later, Remus was sitting at his table, holding the letter that said he was cleared.</p><p> He was looking at Remus, his eyes shiny.  He’d told the truth to Dumbledore, who had no choice but to clear him.</p><p> Remus didn’t answer, he stood up.  Remus had just gone a day without.  But Remus had to be careful around him.  “Excuse me.”</p><p> Remus ran down the hall, he had a headache, he was dizzy, he wanted to cry, he wanted to puke.</p><p> Remus had been feeling like his whole world was closing in on him for the past three weeks.  Remus had had nine panic attacks, he’d had ten.  They were there for each other, as best as they could, but Remus’ breath usually stank of some sort of booze.  Remus knew he could tell and wanted to find his stash.</p><p> Remus went to his closet and practically tore open the secret cabinet in the wall.</p><p> He picked up the nearest bottle and started to uncap it before it was taken from his hand.</p><p> He slowly turned around.  He was standing in the doorway, holding the bottle.</p><p> “I knew it.  I know you too well, Remus.  As bad as the circumstance is, I’m happy to know I do.”</p><p> Remus made a grab for the bottle and fell into him, jumping back like he shocked him.</p><p> “I need it!”</p><p> He glared at Remus.  “No, you don’t!  You’re addicted!”</p><p> “I don’t care, give it back!”</p><p> He looked down at Remus sadly.  “Lay down.”</p><p> “No, no, no, I need it, please!”</p><p> He looked Remus dead in the eye and smashed the bottle.</p><p> “That cost money,—”</p><p> Remus stopped dead, stumbling to the wall.  He put his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes like he’d just uttered the words ‘I love you’.</p><p> He looked at Remus.  “That cost money, who?”</p><p> Remus collapsed against the wall.  “Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!”</p><p> He entered the closet.  “Remus, you’re the only person left in my life, please.  Besides Harry, who doesn’t know I exist, if he does, he still knows nothing, please.  I don’t care how you do it, I know that you know that everyone was wrong.  You know that how you felt was wrong, so if that’s how you need to do it, do it.  Just say my name.  Please.”</p><p> Remus looked up at him and his eyes filled with tears.  He hesitated and closed his eyes.  “When I left that night, the first thing I thought when I heard was ‘I can have a life with— with you’.  I went to sleep with a smile on my face, I couldn’t wait to find you.  Imagine my, my horror, everything, I can’t even describe it, Merlin.  I didn’t believe it.  S— You were the least likely of us all, even, even him.  Even her.  I thought I knew you!  I loved you, I trusted you, S— ahem.  I needed you, I wanted you, even after.  I— I almost killed myself trying to cut those feelings out, you know how bad it is when I change.  You’d know, wouldn’t you, where the pain seems to be centered during grief.  I tried to claw out my chest.  The wolf, it missed you guys more than anything, tried to kill itself through me without you.  I never dealt with it, I was never strong like you or— or him.  I hid, avoided, and talked my away out of things, but I couldn’t avoid this.  I had to, though.  I had to.  It’s all I could to.  I wanted you to somehow appear beside me, stop me, punish me for daring to do what I knew you hated,” Remus stopped, wiping the tears from his eyes.</p><p> “You never came.  I wasn’t surprised, just disappointed when you didn’t.  The first time, you’d shielded me from anything like that for so long, I felt like a twelve year old drinking his first beer when it happened.  I passed out in an alley that night, the same emotions came tumbling back when I woke, but they were numbed by my hangover.  I’m pathetic, I know, I’ve been telling myself that for twelve years.  I’m selfish, too, a waste of space.  I’ve told myself all of it, you don’t even need to think it.  I know you are, too.  It got really bad at one point, to the point where I almost died of alcohol poisoning, then tried to kill myself the next day when it didn’t work.  I saw it as a sign that it was time for me to die, sent to me by my past life.  Hogwarts me trying to tell me, ‘I’m still happy, it’s time to go before you let me meet the same fate as you.’  I have detailed plans and blueprints, all detailing how I’d get a time-turner, end it all. </p><p> “I drank more, I went home with more dangerous looking men, one time a woman by accident.  Just to end it.  I crashed harder and harder every time I sobered up a bit, just more reason to keep drinking.  I did, it’s how the next years went.  You took <em>everything</em> from me.  I felt like I handed it all to you and Voldemort on a silver platter, I didn’t fight you, I didn’t suspect you.  I loved you, I trusted you.  I hated you.  I needed you.  You took me, unwrapped me, took what you wanted, then left me a shell.  You took my life, Sirius Black,” Remus stopped, choked up, “but you were selfish enough to leave me alive.”</p><p> Remus stopped, his eyes shut.  He was done.  He was drained.  He didn’t even know if Sirius was still there.  “Re—”</p><p> “I said your name, okay?”</p><p> “No, not okay.  We’re going to throw away your bottles.  If I can’t drink, you can’t.  I’m going to sober you up.”</p><p> Remus shook his head.  “I don’t want to.  And I’m a grown adult, I can take care of myself.”</p><p> Sirius stood up and regarded Remus for a long time.  “I don’t care about what you want, I care about what you need.  And you obviously can’t.  I know you’re exhausted, okay?  Go to sleep.”</p><p> He grabbed Remus’ elbow, who jolted back.  “No, no.  I’m fine.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  I- the last three weeks have been fine, I ruined it.”</p><p> Sirius glared at Remus.  “No, you didn’t!  You made it better!  The last three weeks have been nothing but you sneaking off to get another drink, spiking your tea, coffee, milk, hot chocolate, everything when you thought I wasn’t looking!  We’re making progress, okay?  You just said my name, it’s progress.”</p><p> A long second passed.</p><p> Remus looked up at Sirius and nodded slowly.  “Progress.”</p><p> Sirius closed his eyes.  “Progress.  Okay, now you need to get to bed.”</p><p> Remus nodded and let Sirius help him up.  “Don’t leave me?”</p><p> “I need sleep, too, Remus.”</p><p> Remus shook his head, Sirius frowned at him.  “St-stay in my bed.”</p><p> Sirius gave Remus a truly pity filled look.  “I don’t know if—”</p><p> “Please, you don’t even have to sleep close to me, just... it can be something we both need.”</p><p> Sirius looked down at Remus and ran a hand over his cheek.  He let it touch his cheek and Remus tilted into it, wanting to start crying again.  This felt so right, like there was never a catch in their routine.</p><p> But there were so many.</p><p> “Yeah, okay.  We’re trying to go for normalcy, aren’t we?”</p><p> Remus looked up at him.  “Exactly.  Normalcy.  Er, did you read the letter?”</p><p> Sirius nodded.  “We get to see him tomorrow, we get to see if maybe he wants to live with us, I saw.  We go to his house.”</p><p> Remus nodded and turned to the shelf.  “What the fuck are you doing?”</p><p> “Relax, I’m looking for something.  Here.”</p><p> Remus opened a cabinet in the cabinet and pulled out several articles of clothing and some other things.</p><p> “You said normalcy, right?”</p><p> Sirius stared blankly at what Remus was holding out to him.  He slowly picked up the leather jacket and hugged it to his chest.  His eyes filled with tears.</p><p> “You kept it?  All of it?”</p><p> Remus nodded, letting his head fall back and wiping under his eyes.  It was Sirius’ turn.</p><p> “I couldn’t bear to throw any of it away.”</p><p> Sirius hugged it to his chest and sifted through his Queen t-shirt, his literal collection of leather jackets.  His jeans.  Then, the rest.  Harry’s Padfoot and Moony plushies that they never gave to him.  The Prongs and Wormtail.  The little lighter, Rocky Horror Picture Show ticket stubs, the notes upon notes written to each other, the toys, the blanket that Remus and Sirius knicked from their dorm on their last day at Hogwarts and used to cuddle under every night.</p><p> “You kept it all?”</p><p> Remus nodded, smiling as Sirius sat down excitedly to sift through it all.  “I didn’t want to throw it out, how could I?”</p><p> Sirius laughed shakily at a joke written on one of the notes.</p><p> He pushed them aside and looked up at Remus, grabbing the blankets.  “How about we look through these together, tomorrow?”</p><p> Remus nodded and smiled wider at Sirius.  “Yeah, tomorrow.  We have that now.”</p><p> Sirius nodded, leaning forward to run a hand through Remus’ hair.  “Yeah, we do, we have a million more that no one can take away.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus woke up in the night, sitting straight up.  He’d just had his first nightmare in years.</p><p> Sirius was right there beside him, he sat up, too.  Remus shook his head, he knew he had to be strong, Sirius had gone through so much worse.</p><p> “Hey, what’s wrong?”</p><p> Remus shook his head again, despite his cold sweat and shaking.  “Nothing, nothing.”</p><p> Sirius pulled him back down, Remus knew he felt the nervous jolt that went through his body.</p><p> “It’s okay if you need to talk.  We said we’d say what’s on our minds.”</p><p> Remus shook his head again and got as close to Sirius as he dared.  Sirius sighed and asked, “May I pull you closer?”</p><p> Remus nodded.  Sirius did so, feeling a shudder go through him.</p><p> “You don’t have to do this.”</p><p> Remus got closer and buried his face in Sirius’ neck.  “Are you uncomfortable?”</p><p> Sirius shook his head.  “No, definitely not.”</p><p> Remus nodded into his neck, Sirius’ presence scalding.  He didn’t know if it was horrible or wonderful.  He heaved a sigh into Sirius’ neck.</p><p> “I need this.”</p><p> Sirius rubbed his back.  “What was it?”</p><p> Remus felt a tear slip from his eye.  “Corpses.  Attacking me for being so weak.”</p><p> Sirius seemed to understand, because he pulled Remus closer to him.  “When’s the last time you had a nightmare?”</p><p> “Years.”</p><p> Sirius looked down at Remus, who was pressed against his body, could feel every bone in his body.  He noticed that Remus didn’t seem to mind, either.</p><p> “Then this is good for you.”</p><p> Remus looked up at Sirius.  “This isn’t fair.”</p><p> Sirius nodded.  “I know.”</p><p> Remus shook his head again.  That wasn’t what he meant.  “I’m supposed to be here for you, too.  It seems like you’re the only one helping with anything.”</p><p> Sirius ran a hand through Remus’ hair.  “You’ve done so much.  You got me cleared, you asked me to sleep in your bed with you, which is helping, you kept everything, gave it back.  Do you want to talk tonight?”</p><p> Remus nodded and sat up.  “You need to start.”</p><p> Sirius nodded.  He sat up, too, turning on the lamp.  “I never believed it was you, not truly.  I thought either you’d tricked me, or you were alone, but I didn’t want to  be tricked.  So I left you alone.”</p><p> Remus was hunched over, every word Sirius uttered a silver stake to his heart.  “No, I understand.  It’s always been... him over me, which we all understood.  You and him put each other first, me and her usually were together when you were.  Those last few months were definitely the worst.  When I couldn’t be with her or you.”</p><p> Sirius nodded and leaned forward.  “We never put any of you below the other, though.  We tried to be with all of you guys.  I lo— I cared about you, so much.  If anything, I put you before— before him.  I always tried to, the reason I wouldn’t look at you was pure selfishness.”</p><p> Remus looked away.  “I didn’t mean—”</p><p> “I know you didn’t.  I understand.  Do you know what made me snap that night, that I found them?”</p><p> Remus shook his head as Sirius’ eyes filled with tears.  “I looked up at the moon.  I realized that it was the first moon in years that I left you to alone.  I stepped into the house, saw him, went upstairs, found her and Harry, then I looked up through the hole in the house.  I realized I’d lost you, too.”</p><p> Remus hugged his knees.  “I waited,” he whispered, “I knew you’d never left me alone before, so I waited until the last possible second.  When I couldn’t wait any longer, I locked the door.”</p><p> Sirius moved forward and hugged Remus.  “I was terrified of what you’d think if I broke out.  I wanted to get to you, it could only be described as cold without you.  You hated me, you had moved on, every bad thing I did to you turned terrible, every terrible thing unthinkable, let alone undoable.  I didn’t break out, though.  I had a price to pay to Ja—shh.”</p><p> Remus’ head had shot up and he covered his ears, shouting.  Sirius grabbed his arms and pulled them from his ears.  “Remus!”</p><p> Remus jerked away, he tried to twist away from Sirius.  “Remus, listen to me!”</p><p> Remus stilled, looking up at Sirius.  “Say their names.”</p><p> “No,” he croaked.</p><p> Sirius tightened his grip around Remus’ wrists.  “Say it.”</p><p> Remus shook his head, trying to get away again.  Sirius closed his eyes and twisted them around, so Sirius was sitting on the back of his thighs.  “I’m not letting up until you acknowledge they existed.”</p><p> Remus tried to get up, angry that Sirius could <em>still</em> hold him down like this, could still restrain him after so long.  He was so thin, too.  “<em>Fuck off!</em>”</p><p> Sirius held his wrists tighter.  “No, you can’t keep living like this!”</p><p> Remus tried to twist around, shouting, “I survived like this for <em>years!</em>”</p><p> “Exactly, Remus!  Survived!  You haven’t been alive for years!”</p><p> Remus clenched his fists and tried to hit the bed.  “I!  Don’t!  Want!  To!  <em>Be!</em>  Alive!”</p><p> Sirius’ grip on Remus’ wrists seemed to loosen and he slumped forward a little.  The words seemed to hit him like a sledge hammer.  “How can you say that?  How— why— Remus.”</p><p> Remus felt himself get flipped over.  “Look at me, Remus.”</p><p> Remus stared at the ceiling.  Sirius touched his face, which used to get him to look at him, still did.</p><p> “You want to be alive.  You <em>need</em> to be alive.  We have each other again, there’s no war, nothing!  We can start over, we’ve lost so much, we can’t lose each other, too.  We both know that me living with a ghost won’t help me become more than a ghost, myself.  We don’t want that.  We both want to live while we still can.  We can’t lose each other again.”</p><p> Remus’ eyes filled with tears again.  “We can’t,” he agreed.</p><p> “Say their names, Remus.  They deserve it.  You know she’s raising a storm where ever they are, pissed you can’t even say her name.”</p><p> Remus whimpered, “I can’t.”</p><p> Sirius leaned over him.  “You can.  Do it how you said my name.”</p><p> Remus nodded, squeezing his eyes shut.  Sirius wouldn’t accept anything but yes.  He was showing shadows of his old self again.  “Petunia was put in charge of their funeral and I couldn’t let that slide.  I showed up at her house one day and Harry recognized me.  He shouted, ‘uncoo mooey, where’s papa an mama?  Where’s pafoo?”</p><p> Sirius sighed.  He let go of Remus’ wrists.  “It was a large reception, I wouldn’t let it be any less.  It was goodbye for me, to everything, to the happiest years of my life.  To happiness in general.  To them.  It was goodbye to the war for most of the other people.  It was goodbye to them themselves for few.  I made it large to try to make up for how cheap it was.  Only I and McGonagall would actually say goodbye to <em>James and Lily</em>, even though most knew and liked them.  Hundreds showed up.  You would have been proud if you saw, would have tried to crack a joke about more people showing up to yours.  Minnie brought me to her office afterwards, let me sob until I couldn’t anymore, told me that she didn’t believe it was you, but she couldn’t convince Dumbledore.  She said we couldn’t give up on you.”</p><p> Remus stopped.  “I can’t.  It’s too much.”</p><p> Sirius pulled Remus into his arms and hugged him.  “Is it my turn again?”</p><p> Remus nodded.  “I can’t keep cutting myself open without you contributing your stories.”</p><p> Sirius nodded and shifted Remus into his lap.  “Is this okay?”</p><p> Remus nodded.  Sirius was still burning him, but he didn’t mind.</p><p> “I cried for weeks.  Weeks, Remus.  I knew that we both lost too much, that we were the ones left.  The other prisoners very likely thought I’d already gone insane.”</p><p> Remus nodded, his heart aching.  Sirius continued.  “I became a dog sometimes to deal with it, which worked.  I thought I’d learned to numb out my emotions when I needed to a long time ago.  I hadn’t.  I thought I went mad a few times, but the thought of you and James and Lily, don’t whimper, it’s just their names, kept me sane.  It definitely wasn’t a happy thought, so the dementors couldn’t take it.”</p><p> Remus felt Sirius wrap a blanket around him and lay down.  “Let’s go to sleep.  I’m drained, you are, too.”</p><p> Remus nodded and didn’t get off of Sirius.  “You’re not going to leave again, are you?”</p><p> He felt Sirius shake his head.  “Merlin, no.  Never again.”</p><p> Remus nodded and kissed his chest, a familiar act.  Sirius wrapped his arms around him as slowly as he could stand and held him.</p><p> —</p><p> Remus stood by the door, waiting for Sirius.</p><p> He stepped out of their room, Remus’ breath caught in his throat.  Sirius stopped.  “How do I look?”</p><p> Remus took in his Queen t-shirt, his leather jacket, his shoulder length hair that Remus cut a few nights ago pulled back in a messy bun.  He was wearing his old ripped jeans, his old combat boots.</p><p> “Like you,” he answered honestly.</p><p> Sirius beamed and he honestly looked like Azkaban never happened.  Remus stepped forward and smiled up at him shakily.  “Ready?”</p><p> Sirius nodded, looking a bit apprehensive.   “As ready as I will be.”</p><p> Remus nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly.  “Let’s go.”</p><p> Remus walked with Sirius from the house and they picked up the portkey, Sirius touched it, too.  The portkey activated and they felt the pull behind their navels, the teleportation.  They found themselves on Privet Drive and threw the portkey away.  “Come on.”</p><p> Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and they started walking to the house.  “Remus, what if he wants to stay?”</p><p> Remus turned to Sirius and held his shoulders.  “If he wants to stay, they won’t mind our visiting.  We both know that if he wants to stay with them, impossibly, they won’t mind.”</p><p> Remus leaned in instinctively to kiss Sirius, but jolted away just as quickly.  How familiar this was getting hurt Remus, but it helped him, too.</p><p> Sirius noticed, he looked a little hurt.  “Yeah, let’s go.”</p><p> Remus turned to walk to the house, still holding Sirius’ hand.  They both noticed that his palm was sweaty.</p><p> “What if he doesn’t like me?”</p><p> Remus snorted.  “The only person whose met you and didn’t like you was Snivellous.”</p><p> Sirius laughed shakily and stepped up the porch steps.  Remus looked at him and rang the doorbell.</p><p> Vernon Dursley answered the door, Petunia at his side.  Remus looked at Sirius before speaking.</p><p> “Hi!  I trust you got the letter telling you we’d be visiting?”</p><p> Petunia started to nod, but Vernon held up his hand.</p><p> “We got no such notice!  Why the bloody hell are you here!?”</p><p> Remus almost flinched at that, but he held steady.  “Um, sir, I can see the letter on your table,” he pointed out, “I was only asking to be polite.”</p><p> Vernon scoffed.  “As if <em>your lot</em> could ever be remotely polite.”</p><p> Remus flinched a little at that.  He had to remember that Vernon was talking about the wizarding world in general.  Not... werewolves.</p><p> Sirius noticed, as did Vernon.  Before Vernon could give him a nasty smile, Sirius spoke up.  “Funnily enough, I was thinking the same of you.  You must be dirt <em>poor</em> to be owning a car given to you by your workplace and a house this <em>small</em>.”</p><p> Sirius did always have a knack for scoping out one’s weaknesses upon meeting them.</p><p> Vernon went red, he nudged Petunia after looking at Sirius for a long second.  “Call the authorities.”</p><p> Petunia started to leave, but she very obviously recognized Sirius.  Remus noticed.  “He was cleared, it wasn’t him.  Your law enforcement knows, will release the news tonight, once it’s official.”</p><p> Sirius stepped closer to Remus, who grabbed his hand.  They noticed, Vernon snorted, “Of course you’d be a couple of disgusting little faggots.”</p><p> Petunia hit his arm.  Remus could see she remembered everything.  She looked like she was having a revelation.</p><p> “Just let them in.”</p><p> Vernon looked at her and back at them, clearly about to say something.  “Let them in.”</p><p> Vernon looked at Petunia, shocked, but let them in.</p><p> “We have a visitor.  I suggest you ignore her, you won’t like what she has to say.  Or... do that thing with your wands to her.  I don’t care which, I never liked her,” Petunia told them briskly.</p><p> Remus looked at Sirius.  Sirius shrugged, not remembering this side of Petunia.  She led them to the sitting room and sat them down on the couch.  “I’ll get Harry.  How long will it be?”</p><p> Remus folded his hands.  “We don’t want him in the middle of our issues, he doesn’t deserve that burden.  Not after everything else.  Before the school year starts, though.”</p><p> Petunia nodded, her jaw set.  She sat down quickly, “After you take him, I’m asking if I can please visit?  I know I haven’t been the best to him, neither has Vernon, but I want to try to fix it.  Seeing you two, seeing that you two can still stand each other, it’s triggered something.  I remember you, I saw you,” she looked at Sirius, “on the telly and couldn’t believe you did it.  I’d been thinking about it for a while, I just want to fix things but don’t know how.  I wanted to hunt you down, myself.  This may be the push I need.  I need to make it right with Harry.  With my sister.”</p><p> Remus nodded, looking at Sirius.  “I don’t see why not, as long as we can be there for the first few visits.”</p><p> Sirius nodded, agreeing, “It may be better for all of us.”</p><p> Petunia sighed, relieved.  “I’ll go get him.  Thank you.”</p><p> Remus nodded, smiling, as she left.  Another woman wandered in, eating some chocolate cake.</p><p> “Who are you,” she asked, rather rudely taking in their appearances.</p><p> Remus looked at Sirius.  “Friends of Harry’s parents.”</p><p> She snorted as Petunia came in with Harry, her hand on his back.</p><p> “Ugh, a couple more unemployed criminals and drunks?”</p><p> Petunia straightened up stiffly, she looked at them, they were glaring at Marge.  “Come, Marge, let’s go... shopping!  You can help pick out dinner.”</p><p> Marge waved her off.  “No, I want to hear what they have to say, they obviously have something to say.”</p><p> Harry was staring at them.  Sirius stiffened up.  “Lily was training to be a doctor, James, a cop.”</p><p> Marge scoffed.  “Sure, sure, you’re saying that Petunia and Vernon lied?”</p><p> They looked at Petunia, she shook her head.  Sirius shrugged.  “It seems so, I mean, they were technically unemployed, but still in school and both geniuses.”</p><p> Marge pointed at Harry, who closed his eyes.  “And what about this one?  He’s in a school for incurably criminal boys.  That had to come from somewhere.”</p><p> Sirius jumped up, his wand out.  Remus was right beside him, they both pointed it at Marge.</p><p> “<em>Silencio!</em>”  They shouted in unison.</p><p> Marge clutched her throat, trying to speak, but obviously unable.</p><p> “As we were saying, Harry, come sit,” Remus said pleasantly, though Marge was clutching her throat in front of them, horrified.</p><p> Remus was the one initiating the interactions.  Harry sat down by the couch, looking up at them.</p><p> “You knew my parents?”</p><p> Remus nodded.  “We were the best of friends,” he whispered.</p><p> Sirius patted his back and looked tentatively at Harry.  He sighed.  “The very best,” he agreed, “You couldn’t find a better duo than me and James or Remus and Lily.”</p><p> Harry grinned at that.  Petunia sat down, watching the interaction.  “Did they marry the wrong people,” he tried.</p><p> Sirius barked out a laugh.  “Definitely.  There would have been no better couple than me and James.”</p><p> Remus laughed shakily, jumping a bit at the name.  Harry was staring up at them almost reverently.</p><p> “What were they like?”</p><p> Remus laughed shakily.  “Lily was the sweetest woman in the world.  She accepted everything and everyone, wanted the best for everyone.  But she wasn’t the dumb kind of nice, she knew when to give up on someone, even though she didn’t want to.  She was so smart, best at potions and defense.  I was always the first to master a spell in class, but she was always a close second, even mastering it with me.  She had the brightest smile, the most determination.  She wouldn’t only take the last name Potter.  She preferred to be called Mrs. Evans-Potter.  She could shock people, she had these little freckles, these bright green eyes, long red hair, she was a bit petite, everyone expected a nice little angel, but she could kill people with her words.  The amount of times she killed James with it.”</p><p> Remus was crying now, he couldn’t believe the world had lost the beauty that was Lily Evans Potter.</p><p> Petunia offered her input.  “She invited me to her wedding, it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.  I was surprised she didn’t marry the other boy, noticed he stopped coming around.  And she definitely could insult people until they cried, I could see her doing that.”</p><p> Sirius laughed.  “She did.  See, I don’t know if you got this impression from stories, but Lily didn’t like James at first.  It was fair, James wasn’t always so likable to everyone, he was popular and smart, but a bit of, in Lily’s beautiful words, ‘an arrogant bullying toerag’.  Remember this, though.  After first year, getting to know Remus and someone else we won’t name today, their insecurities, how much they were bullied, he never targeted the defenseless or the people who didn’t deserve it.  He didn’t start it unless they said something bad or hurt someone else.  Except with Snivellous, but he constantly deserved it, he was constantly stalking us and finding Remus and the other one alone.  Lily was friends with him, Snivellous, or Snape, but he ruined it.   That was pretty bad, he’d tell them things, try to bully them.  Not that they couldn’t fend for themselves, but people thought they could.  They even thought that James and I only had them around to bully them. After he was gone, Lily kind of opened her mind to James being a good person. </p><p> “Anyway, she’d reject him in every way, once gave him Valentine’s Day balloons, but they said ‘Hell no’ and ‘Fuck off’ and ‘Not in a million years’.  This was the month before they got together, it wasn’t cruel, they both knew they’d be together soon.  You should have seen his face drop, he smiled just as quickly when he saw Lily on the table with a megaphone.  She usually looked angry when he declared his love to her, but she was smiling, practically glowing.  I’d compare that day to her wedding day.”</p><p> Remus laughed.  “Very true.  She got to know him, got to love him.  James was perfect, he was the rich one with the perfect life, the best at any sport.  Everyone wanted Sirius, but they wanted to be with James or be James.  James could defend first years, he would do things for people, he even made friends with Nearly Headless Nick just because he was interested in him, knew he didn’t have any real friends.  He helped a lot with our pranks.”</p><p> Harry perked up.  “Pranks?”</p><p> Sirius barked out another laugh.  “So many pranks.  We were Hogwarts legends, the four Marauders.  Ask Minnie about us, she’d sigh and give you a biscuit, tell the stories.”</p><p> Harry looked confused.  “Minnie?”</p><p> Remus smiled as Sirius looked shocked.  “McGonagall.”</p><p> Harry’s mouth made an ‘O’ in understanding.  “What kind of stories?”</p><p> Sirius shrugged.  “One time, Remus went off by himself and filled a bunch of Muggle water balloons with Veritaserum, dropped them on everyone.  It took an hour, but it sunk through everyone’s skin, and it was in everyone’s drinks, they thought they were filled with water, and everyone was telling the truth for hours.  The little bugger was able to get James and I detention instead of him.  Minnie did always favor you, didn’t she?”</p><p> Remus nodded, his eyes shiny.  “That was a beautiful day.  It’s our coming out story, isn’t it?”</p><p> Sirius laughed.  “Yeah, Reggie’s, too.”</p><p> Remus nodded.  “Any other questions?”</p><p> Harry nodded, his brain filled to the brim with questions.  Remus gently smiled.  “Save some for when we come back.”</p><p> Harry nodded and chose a question.  “Why didn’t you guys come earlier?  Well, I understand you,” he nodded to Sirius, “but you, Remus, right?”</p><p> Remus sighed, his shoulders slumping.</p><p> “I grew up thinking I would never know happiness, I had some things that would have made it impossible.  When they died, when it seemed to be Sirius, I lost everything.  I couldn’t deal with myself, let alone a child.  I didn’t leave the house for years, didn’t get out of bed for weeks.  Every time I tried, I would end up back in bed.  Everything went dark for me.  I was alone.  I lost everything.  I couldn’t take care of you, you would have been been so much worse off.  I turned to... certain things.  And Dumbledore wouldn’t let me.  I tried, out of obligation and the thought that maybe we could help each other.  Dumbledore said you were safer here and I needed to deal with myself first.  But I don’t know if I would have kept you with me for long.  I’m still worried I would have made your life worse, giving you up, taking you in again, giving you up again.”</p><p> Harry nodded, asking, “And now?”</p><p> Remus sighed, burying his face in his hands.  “I have Sirius, he’s always kept me balanced.  We plan, if you want to, to take you in by the end of the summer holidays.  I’ll be teaching defense at Hogwarts.”</p><p> Sirius jumped and turned to Remus so quickly, he thought he had whiplash.  “<em>What!?</em>”</p><p> “I’m taking you with me, Sirius.  I wrote to Dumbledore during the trials.  You can teach with me or just live with me.”</p><p> Sirius nodded, relaxing.  “That... sounds like a fantasy.”</p><p> Remus laughed.  “You remember that night?”</p><p> Sirius smiled, his eyes going somewhere far away.  “Yeah.”</p><p> Harry smiled at them.  “So, you’ll be at Hogwarts with me?”</p><p> Remus nodded.  “And then you’ll come home with us.”</p><p> Harry nodded, obviously happy.  “And I won’t have to come back?”</p><p> Remus tilted his head.  “Petunia wants to visit, try to have a good relationship with you.”</p><p> Harry turned to Petunia, confused.  She nodded.  “I regret it all.  I want to make it better, you were never bad or deserved that treatment.  If you don’t want it, I understand, though.”</p><p> Sirius and Remus watched with bated breath as Harry nodded.  “I’d like that.”</p><p> Remus stood.  “I think you’ll be safe enough here.  Petunia, tell your husband we expect no less than three letters a day, saying he’s being taken care of, we will check on him if we don’t believe it, and we want questions for his homework.”</p><p> Petunia nodded, helping Harry up.  “Let’s get your things.”</p><p> Remus watched them walk out, wondering how her husband would take this change.  Remus stood up.  He held his hand out to Sirius.</p><p> “Ready?”</p><p> Sirius nodded and took his hand.  They walked out, before Sirius realized, “The ministry realizes we’re here, right?”</p><p> Remus went a bit white and ran back in, taking the spell off of Marge and obliviating her.  He ran out and grabbed Sirius’ arm.  They apparated out of there, knowing that the ministry would sense that and realize it was them, not Harry.</p><p> “That was close.”</p><p> Sirius nodded, smiling slightly.  “Haven’t had that sort of rush in years.”</p><p> Remus smiled back, holding Sirius’ hand.  “We’ll have tons more, just wait til we get back to Hogwarts.”</p><p> Sirius laughed.  “Thinking of snogging in broom closets again?”</p><p> Remus laughed back, a lot more at ease.  They’d gotten through the meeting with Harry, even laughed with him.  “Yeah, that was nice, wasn’t it.”</p><p> Sirius laughed.  “Nice?  Mssr. Moony, it was better than nice.”</p><p> Remus teasingly rolled his eyes and started towards the little cottage they lived in.  He wanted to try this again.  “Oh?  I didn’t know you enjoyed it so much.”</p><p> He got to the front door before he was turned around, pushed against it.  Sirius was looking at him with a familiar heat in his eyes.  “This okay?”</p><p> Remus nodded.  Sirius smirked and tilted Remus’ head up.  “Good.”</p><p> He pressed his lips to Remus’.  Remus let his eyes slip shut and let his arms go around Sirius’ neck.  Sirius smiled and pulled away.  Remus stared up at him, wide eyed.</p><p> “A start, yeah?”</p><p> Remus nodded.  He felt a bubble of happiness in his chest for the first time in years.  It circled the holes Sirius cut there a long time ago.</p><p> He was whole again.</p><p>—</p><p> Their first fight again was terrible.  It made Remus happy that they decided that they should wait for Harry.  It was two weeks before school started, they were getting Harry in three days.  They’d been together again for a month.  It was mid August.</p><p> It was over the dishes, but quickly became about pent up emotions that each hid from the other, because they thought they had to be strong.</p><p> “<em>YOU’RE</em> THE ONE WHO DID THIS, YOU COULDN’T HAVE EXPECTED ME TO FOLLOW YOUR STUPID RULES!”</p><p>Sirius snapped, “NO!  I DIDN’T, BUT I DIDN’T EXPECT YOU TO BE SO BUSY FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF THAT YOU DIDN’T REALIZE YOU KILLED YOUR LIVER!”</p><p> “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO FORGOT ABOUT ME, YOU ADMITTED IT!  I CAN’T KEEP TRYING TO BELIEVE IN SOMEONE WHO NEVER CAME!”</p><p> “I ONLY WANTED THE BEST FOR YOU!  WHY WOULDN’T YOU WANT THAT FOR YOURSELF!?”</p><p> “BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE HEALTHY FOR!”</p><p> “THERE WAS EVERYTHING TO BE HEALTHY FOR!  YOU <em>WANTED</em> TO BE DEPRESSED, YOU WANTED A REASON TO WANT TO DIE OR NUMB IT OUT!  YOU DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE KILLING YOURSELF TO BE NUMB!”</p><p> Remus stormed at Sirius, his eyes glowing.  Sirius knew this part, Remus was about to make him cry or punch something.  It would end the fight. “No, <em>Sirius</em> I realize what I was doing to myself.  You’re the one who sat in a cell, while I waited for you to magically appear and make it all better, making amends with someone who wasn’t even around to be angry instead of tried to help someone who was still alive, who you <em>said</em> you loved.”</p><p> Sirius stepped back, the hardness in his eyes melting away.  Remus stepped back, putting his hands up.  “But I <em>did— do—</em>”</p><p> “I can’t do this.”</p><p> He started to walk out, Sirius stood there for a moment, before he chased him and grabbed his arm.</p><p> “Where the <em>hell</em> do you think you’re going?”</p><p> “I just told you.  I can’t look at you, I can’t be here right now.  I’m going away.”</p><p> Sirius tried to grab his other arm, but he dodged it and got his jacket.</p><p> “Don’t you dare walk away from me!”</p><p> Remus put on his jacket and glared over his shoulder at Sirius.  “Don't wait up.”</p><p> Sirius followed Remus, trying to get him back inside.  “Get back in here!”</p><p> Remus shook off his hand.</p><p> “Come on, please!”</p><p> Sirius had stopped at the end of the porch.  “Remus!”</p><p> Remus stopped.  Sirius thought he may have been coming back.  “Stop running!”</p><p> Remus twisted and disapparated.</p><p> Sirius sighed and sat down on the porch, running his hands through his hair.  He got back up, looking at the forest line, and got back inside.</p><p> He didn’t know if Remus would be back.  He didn’t know if Remus wanted to come back.</p><p> —</p><p> Sirius was sitting on the couch, worried sick, when Remus came back.  It was what he suspected.</p><p> He came back with a man and very patently drunk.  Too drunk to consent to anything.</p><p> Sirius stood up.  He rushed over to Remus, who was almost knocked out.  “Thank you for bringing him home.  Leave.”</p><p> The man stood up straight, leer firmly in place on his face.  “I think I’ve earned a reward for all of my hard work.”</p><p> He dragged his gaze up and down the length of Remus’ body, resting at his arse.</p><p> Sirius resisted the urge to punch him, that was <em>his</em>.  They’d been working towards it.</p><p> “No, you haven’t.  Leave before I deck you, I’m not going to let you take advantage of him.”</p><p> Sirius was significantly taller than the man, Remus was small and giggling against his neck.  He wondered how many times this had happened when Sirius wasn’t around to stop it.</p><p> “I want my retribution.”</p><p> Sirius smirked, this man didn’t know what that word meant.</p><p> He pulled his fist back and punched the man in the face, knocking him down and kicking him out to the porch.</p><p> “There it is.  Leave before I call the police.”</p><p> Sirius closed the door and tried to pick Remus up.  He was able to, Remus took him to a Muggle doctor who prescribed them both pills to gain weight, along with daily exercises.</p><p> Remus was still pretty thin, but he was normal thin.  Sirius was gaining a lot of his old weight back, turning it to muscle again.</p><p> He knew Remus enjoyed it, he watched him exercise every day with avid interest.</p><p> Remus was trying to kiss Sirius, but his mouth was clumsy and Sirius wasn’t letting him.</p><p> “You need to go to sleep.”</p><p> Remus shook his head.  “No, I need to tell you I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, I wanted to be strong for you but I didn’t.  I wanted you to want to tell me anything, open up,” he slurred.</p><p> Sirius kissed Remus’ warm forehead and put him on the bed.  “I’m sorry, too.  I know it was hard and I wish I’d come back sooner.  Come on.”</p><p> Sirius climbed in bed and held his arms open for Remus.  “Are you angry that I got drunk?”</p><p> Sirius nodded.  “Furious, but we’ll talk tomorrow.”</p><p> Remus whined.  Sirius wrapped his arms around him and rubbed his head.  “Go to sleep.”</p><p> Remus didn’t want to, he kept trying to get up.  Sirius held him down and kept flicking his forehead.  “Go to sleep.”</p><p> Eventually, Remus did.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Lmk again if you want chapter three.  If you do, I think it’ll be the last chapter, bc this was supposed to be an angsty oneshot lolll</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Should I make part two where they heal some more, start a routine, meet Harry?  Lmk</p></blockquote></div></div>
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